Don’t worry I’ll Just Google That.

Disclaimer warning: This post has probably way more information than you wanted to know about someone.  Including talk of bodily functions and bacteria/medical jargon things.  #Sorrynotsorry?

As the last week of August comes to a close, I spend this Saturday thinking of all that has happened since the last time I posted.  Mostly good things, some very not so good things have taken place in the last few weeks.  All-in-all it’s been a busy 2 weeks or so.  

Good thing #1: The last time I posted, I had a meltdown and a revelation of “everything will be alright”.  I went into woke up and went into work on Monday with the mindset of moving on.  Then my phone rings at 10 am with a call for a job interview with Planning and Development.  My dream job.  I listen to the message and become hopeful for the future.  The phone rings again at 10:10 am with a job offer from the office I interviewed for.  I told my husband, my boss and co-workers and accepted the offer the next day.  I was finally moving on after 5 years.  

Not so good thing #1: Turning down that dream job was one of the hardest things I had to do.  But it took me 5 years to even get another job offer-and for the government I might add.  I waited hours to call back trying to justify it all in my mind.  But in the end, I didn’t want one of the two jobs to figure out I was playing the field.  Was that the right thing to do?  Should I have just gone?  I think these questions will nag me for a while.  

Good thing #2: My job actually took the news fairly decently.  They wished me the best, and told me if I absolutely hated it I could come back.  But they also decided to yank my insurance away from me two days after I resign, still have not mailed out COBRA information for me even though said insurance will be gone on Sunday, and told me 2 minutes before I left that the 11 hours of vacation time I used on my last two days would not be paid to me.  Why was I concerned about this?  Will we get to that later on.

Not so good thing #2:  So this one actually started as a good thing.  My office had an event with my soon to be new office last week.  A meet-and-greet for our town hearing process.  My new boss was there, I have met him before but it had been awhile.  So I took it upon myself to go and re-introduce myself to him.  He was excited to meet me and offered to take me upstairs and introduce me to the team.  It was a great time to do so.  I told my boss I would be back shortly and went upstairs.  I met the office-everyone seemed nice, if not a little socially awkward (I would fit RIGHT in).  It was about 15 minutes of chit-chat and I decided to make my way back downstairs.  This was until I was called back into my new boss’s office.  I was not expecting to be grilled about my loyalty, my attendance, and my habits of office gossip for the next 30 minutes.  I won’t go into detail about it.  All I can say is WOW.  I felt deflated when I left the building.  I could barely even muster a goodbye.  I turned a dream job interview down for this???  I realized that going from a job where I have little management looking over my shoulder that I was entering micromanagement world.  It will be an adjustment.  Can you tell I’ve been giving myself pep talks?  Stay tuned next week after my first day of work.

Good thing #3: The husband and I took a day trip to Cincinnati last weekend.  We visited the zoo, had some drinks, ate a great dinner, almost got mugged in a parking lot, and saw the Reds vs. Braves play.  Of course there was also lots of rain, so we only got to see 5 innings of the game, but it was still a nice getaway.  

Enjoy this lovely photo of a Giraffe

Over The Rhine-near the scene where we almost got mugged

Not so good thing #3: My vacation high from Sunday abruptly ended with the arrival of a red light camera traffic ticket.  On a rolling right turn.  Enough said.

Good thing #4: My last week of work was this past week.  It was a bittersweet time.  I thought I would be more excited to leave but after you spend 5 years of your life with the same people it is hard not to become attached.  Even if it did take them 3 years to learn my name.  It was also the first week of our town hall style hearings which didn’t start until 10.  So I got to enjoy a week without an alarm clock waking me up.  And two longer mornings with my husband.  Tuesday morning we both woke up and I insisted that he make me my favorite breakfast.  My husband is an excellent breakfast chef.  He makes this great meal of eggs, bacon, sautéed onions and peppers, salsa and cheese all wrapped up in a warmed tortilla.  It’s amazing.  I went to work that day feeling over stuffed and felt a deep pain in my stomach with what I thought was indigestion for the rest of the work day.  Every time I moved it was there.  But I did eat my weight in breakfast that morning so that all seemed to make sense at the time.  Which moves into not so good thing #4.

Not so good thing #4: The pain in my stomach continued into Wednesday evening.  I called both my Mom and my sister to ask how to get rid of a stomach ache.  I ate some soup, I went to bed early.  I was coming down with a cold.  I woke up at 4 am on Thursday, aching all over.  My stomach, my head, oh my.  I tried to get comfortable in bed but the pain in my stomach could not eased and I was starting to get nauseous from the flipping and flopping.  I snuck downstairs (something I never do, I love my bed), I turned on the AC unit, I tried to fall back asleep on the couch.  Around 5 on my second trip to the bathroom because I was so nauseous I took my temperature, 101.3.  “Hmm”, I thought to myself.  Seems odd for a cold which seems to be all in my nose.   I immediately called my doctors office which I knew had an doctor on call for emergency like questions.  To my amazement, someone answered.  I described my symptoms.  I once again got a “hmm” on the other end of the line.  My thoughts exactly.  He told me to meet me in the office in 20 minutes and he would exam me.  At 6 am?  What service.

I spend the next 15 minutes getting my husband out of bed.  We take a barf bag.  We make it out to the doctor by 6:40.  He exams me and gives me a way too long answer for the early hour and the fact that everything hurts.  Short answer was: Yes go to the hospital.  I can’t pinpoint what’s wrong with you.  Could be appendicitis or a cyst that has burst was his best guess.  I’m still extremely grateful for someone who took the time 2-3 hours before an office even opens to exam a patient.  I should send him a thank you card.  We drive over to the hospital closest to our house.  I’m hopeful when I walk in.  There are only 2 other people in the waiting room.  We check in, I see a nurse fairly soon.  We get sent back out to the lobby, where I curl up on Seth and groan in pain.  30 minutes later we get called back again.  SUCCESS.  I get blood drawn and they leave the needle in my arm; we get send back out to the waiting room.  2 hours later, when I start to cry from the pain we are still in the waiting room.  Everyone before and after us have gone into rooms.  My husband starts getting angry.  Another hour later and we are finally in a room. 

A P.A. comes in and tells me I have UTI.  I look questioningly at her.  She says we probably don’t even need to take a CT scan.  That’s probably what it is.  You really don’t look like you’re in that much discomfort she says.  Mentally I am punching her in the face, puking on her shoes.  In reality, all I can mutter is an “ok”.  A nurse comes back about 10 minutes later and wheels me to get a CT scan to check for kidney stones.  All I say again is “ok”.  When we get back, I fall into a feverish sleep.  I am awakened by a doctor.  He says that there are no kidney stones.  His diagnosis is a UTI.  I hold up my hand “where is the pain coming from then?”.  He responds that the infection is moving up into my kidneys.  “ok” is all I can muster again.  The final diagnosis they gave almost 6 hours after first arriving was that I have a kidney infection.  But they also mentioned they found enlarged lymph nodes in my intestinal tract on the CT scan.  “But”, they continued, “we aren’t worried about that today.  Talk to your family doctor about that”.  Thanks for a wasted, very expensive trip ER.  I fall into a feverish sleep for basically the rest of the day.  I missed 8 hours of work that I won’t be paid for.  I was forced to go in, despite my husband’s pleas, the next day for a half a day.  Another 3 hours that I won’t be paid for.  That was why I got my panties in a twist when they decided to tell me that before I left on the last day.  

After I left work, I went back to my regular doctor’s office to see what someone there had to say about the diagnosis.  I can never actually get in to see my regular family doctor.  Dr. B, as we will call him, always seems unreachable.  I was able to see him in February for a brief consultation about my migraines but before that it had been 4 years.  So in lieu of seeing Dr. B, I am placed with one of the rotation of doctors in the practice.  All of the doctors there are nice, it is just sort of aggravating that you can’t just have one regular doctor.  I asked once if I could switch about 5 years ago when I was seeing a woman doctor regularly for a particular ailment.  The office told me I could not.  It all seems ridiculous to me.  ANYWAYS, back to the story. 

 I once again was unable to obtain an appointment on Friday with Dr. B to discuss my situation.  But the office placed me with another doctor who I have seen over the past few years.  After reading the paperwork from the hospital and listening intently to my symptoms, he starts by saying “Well this is an interesting case, which is fun for me but you really don’t want to be interesting in the medical world”.  Great.  He went on to say that he disagreed with the kidney infection/UTI diagnosis from the hospital.  He said he did find in the urine culture evidence of staph bacteria growing, which is why the hospital staff decided to pinpoint my symptoms to what they did.  He said the more concerning thing was the enlarged lymph nodes in my intestines.  The third and final diagnosis of the week was that I have a bacterial virus in my GI tract.  The cause of the pain in my stomach was the enlarged lymph node pressing against other organs, etc.  I had to keep taking the antibiotics that the hospital prescribed to treat the staph.  The bacterial virus happening would take time to heal.  More testing may be necessary but we would deal with that when/if the time comes.  For someone losing their insurance tomorrow-this isn’t the best news.  

Good news #5: I am on the mend it seems.  I just ate a grilled cheese for dinner-the most ambitious I have been since Wednesday afternoon.  I’m still not able to really walk around much so I’ve been watching a lot of Sex and the City on HBO.  And I actually felt better enough today to write so there is that.  My husband also let me nerd out today and buy office stuff for Tuesday.  I bought a nice stapler and a ninja man post it dispenser.  Yes, this week it is the little things that are keeping me going. 

It’s My Party and I’ll Ugly Cry if I Want To

It is Sunday once again. Why is it when we get older that the days/weeks/months go by faster and faster. I feel like I blink and a month has passed. It astounds me every week when I look around my house what havoc two humans and a dog could wreck in such a short amount of time. I spend hours cleaning our house, trying to rid it of dog hair, dust, and grime. Only to find that in a week span it has accumulated yet again-not only that but it looks like no one has cleaned in months. It seems like a tedious never ending process. No one is going to look back on their life and say; “Gee…I’m sure glad I spent all those hours chasing my family around with a Swiffer dry cloth”.

This was one of those rollercoaster weeks. In my last post I had just walked away from a second interview with the government office my contract company is employed by. When I walked out of that interview I thought it had gone great (other than my hiccup with the “what is your ultimate career goal” question). They told me before I left that they would be contacting me by the end of the week with their decision. Friday rolled around and still no word from their office. Last year, I interviewed with this same office for two different positions. I had also thought the meeting had gone very well. I knew the two ladies I interviewed with. I had great responses; they seemed to be confident in my skills. Then, it fizzled out. I still don’t know what happened. They mailed me a letter to tell me I hadn’t been selected, which I think is a rude let down. If someone takes the time off of work to come and be grilled by a panel interview then I feel like that person deserves a phone call to let them know that they weren’t selected.

Anyways, when they didn’t call me on Friday I felt like I knew that a similar letter was coming. I had a very strange reaction to this. I don’t know for sure I wasn’t selected but I still felt devastated. I called my Mom to talk things over. But my mother has a habit of butting in when she’s not wanted, and backing off when she is needed. When I called her up she was waiting on my Aunt to arrive from North Carolina; so to her benefit she was busy. I told her the situation and asked her opinion. “Do you think I didn’t get it?”, I asked with a huge lump in my throat. “I don’t know what I could’ve done differently…this is the exact same job I already do AND they all know me down there” I told her, trying to rationalize everything. She started to respond with an “I don’t know” but then I heard my Aunt come in the door. She still kept me on the phone for about 3 more minutes while talking to my Aunt until eventually I hung up the phone. Then I broke down into tears for literally 2 hours straight. Why you may ask? I have no idea. It wasn’t just a little cry either-it was a full on ugly, wail of a cry. And apparently I couldn’t stop. I cried when I picked up the dog at the dog daycare (don’t judge me), I cried under the covers until my husband got home, I cried even harder when he walked in the door. It was a full on pity party.

Eventually though I finally got out of bed and decided to join my husband for dinner with my in-laws. I didn’t want to go. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to even stop crying in front of his family. I was emotionally unstable that day. But I got out of that bed, fixed my hair, pulled my big girl pants on and tried to move on with my day. And I’m glad I did. Once again I was letting my career, or failure of one to define who I was. It had so consumed me that day that I couldn’t appreciate what I already have. So I had to say the mantra of all the things that I had over again. I have a wonderful husband who holds my hand while I sob and brings me water to make me feel better. I have a loving and supportive family (as flawed as they are) to cheer me up. I have a job that pays the bills for now, which is more than what some people have. I have a house, a dog, too much food to eat and clean water. I have so much to be thankful for and this is what I need to remember the next time I host a pity party for 1.

Once I got over this hump, the weekend was actually a great time. I spent a good amount of time with both of my nieces. I colored with chalk, had a conversation with my niece about the importance of sharing, and convinced my Dad to take a selfie. I ate a BBQ pulled pork sandwich the size of my face at a Food Truck Festival. I lost 14 dollars out of my pocket at this same festival but Karma won over when a very nice parking attendant let us out of the garage for free. I went on a few long walks and read most of a book today. I have to say that the good of this weekend outweighed the bad and reminded me of the things I should be focusing on. Now I can confidently say that even if I do receive that letter in the mail tomorrow I know that something else will come along I just need to keep trying.

What Do a Doctor, a Genie, a cross dressing Nanny, and Peter Pan all have in common?

Tonight around 6:30 pm I logged onto Facebook to do some stalking and discovered the tragic news. Robin Williams has passed. The first post I came to read “So sad. Robin Williams was one of the greats”. My eyes got big and a silent “NOoooooo”, escaped from my mouth. Also just now when I was locating the first post I came to so I could quote it, I hit the like button on someone’s status that I haven’t talked to since high school. Another silent “NOooooo”, escaped again. Anyways, I could hardly believe the news. This man was a 90’s icon and brought me so many laughs. From Aladdin, to Bicentennial Man, Mrs. Doubtfire, and of course Jumanji and The Birdcage-there are so many beloved films that I hold dear to my heart. I started texting people immediately to break the tragic news. I texted my husband, my long-time friend who shares my love for the movie Hook, and of course my sister. I always think of my sister when I think of Robin Williams.

*I did write this post yesterday-it did not take me 24 hours to learn of Robin Williams death.  Due to circumstances out of my control (coughtimewarnersuckscough) our internet has been down since Saturday.  Pardon the interruption, continue on with the story*

The summer of my 6th grade year and the summer before her 9th grade year my family had a trip planned to visit my aunt in North Carolina. My aunt had a very interesting job-she up until recently sewed costumes/made alterations for movies and T.V. shows. She would always impress us with her newest stories about who she had met and what movie set she was currently working on. One Christmas my sister received a signed autograph from Leonardo DiCaprio when she worked on the little film he was in called, Titanic. My favorite thing that she worked on was Super Shredder’s cape in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze. She sent us a great photo of my Grandpa in the full costume (he even got to wear the helmet). This particular summer though she happened to be working on a new Robin Williams movie, Patch Adams. She called my sister that spring and told her they needed extras for the graduation scene and asked her to be in it. My invite was nowhere to be found. Not that I’m harboring any bitterness or anything from this story.

My sister bragged to me all spring and summer about going to work on a movie. Who could blame her? I tried to act like it wasn’t that cool-but it was awesome. When she got back from her big debut she had lots of great things to say about Robin Williams. She of course had gotten to meet him and she added another autograph to her collection of cool things. She also reported to us how tedious being an extra was. Apparently they shot the same scene over and over again for a whole day. If any of you have seen the graduation scene in Patch Adams, you know that he moons the crowd. So she saw a bare butt over and over again all day and had to fake laugh over and over again. This is the story I thought of when I heard he was no longer with us. RIP Patch.

Other than that sad story-life has been hectic. I had a second interview for the two county jobs that I interviewed for last week. I think it went pretty well. I was not sure what to expect going in. I had never been on a second interview. But the questions were straight forward and simple. The Chief of Staff did ask the “what are your ultimate career goals” question though. After which I froze, muttered, rambled a response. In short I responded “I don’t know”. It was my one trip up of the day. I really need to practice that answer. It shouldn’t be that hard to figure out what your career goals are. At one point in my life I did have an ultimate career goal. When I was fresh out of college, I was full of ambition. Then reality set in and life gave me a beating. I still have ambition-I just no longer have an ultimate goal in mind. There are so many thing I realized I could be happy doing. I resolved a few years ago just to be open to career possibilities and see where the path takes me. A free love, hippie dippie approach to my career goals.

But the opportunity to move forward in the interview process is something that I’m incredibly grateful for-and I definitely needed it to boost my self-esteem. I am also grateful that I had an opportunity to help others last week. I really am trying to stick to an effort of giving back in some way once a week. Last week I volunteered at a small food pantry in my community for a few hours. It was a little overwhelming at first. I was asked to work in the produce section of the pantry. A nice man named Dave tried to explain in about 45 seconds flat how much produce every person gets. “Each person gets 1 bread-unless that have more people in their family then they can have 2. Then they can have 2 ears of corn per family member; 2 grape tomatoes, turnips, squash, apples, watermelon” He said other numbers in there but I had sufficiently zoned out. He must have seen the blank look on my face because he smiled and said “don’t worry I’ll be here”. He disappeared soon after. I think I gave too much bread away-because we ran out early. All we had in the last hour were hot dog buns but people smiled and said thank you. I have never been more grateful to be able to put food on the table in my life. It’s the smallest things that we take for granted. I’m looking forward to going back next week.

You’ve got me feeling a bit feverish

As a child I used to seek attention from my parents by pretending to be sick.  So much so that when I actually was sick they never believed me.  So one day when I was 9 and woke up with the feeling like my head had been pounded in-my mom was less than ready to jump to my aid.  It was Christmas Eve, my sister’s birthday and the morning of her Christmas recital with her choir group.  My mom came into my room bright and early and was less than pleased to see that I had not moved from my bed.  She told me to get dressed and that I shouldn’t make my sister late on the big day.  I tried to tell her about my  headache but she was also less than thrilled that I was “pulling something like this” on a day like that day.  So I tried to get up and put on an outfit for the recital but ended up slumped on the floor.  She came back in later with a final warning.  Seeing that I was still not dressed and just laying on the floor she became angry.  So my mom and my sister left me behind.  She did feel bad when they came back home hours later to find me on the couch with my head in one of those huge black kitchen trash bags.  For once I had been telling the truth. 

It turned out a few months later when my mom took me to the doctor that these frequent episodes were really migraines.  A term that has evolved in meaning for me in the past two decades.  My migraines slowed down in my teenage years.  I rarely got them and when I went away to college I didn’t even have medication for them anymore.  Then on the first day of my sophomore year of college I came down with the “flu”.  I kept coming down with this “flu” frequently throughout the semester.  My parents were worried, I was worried.  When I went to the doctor he looked at me like I had 5 heads and said “well it’s your migraines”.  Why hadn’t I thought of that?  They were bad in college but they were worse once I graduated.  I started getting migraines several times a month and up until last January was getting them 15 times a month.  I was starting to forget what a healthy migraine free day was.  It was ruining my life and making my job annoyed with my frequent absences.  So I made some life changes this year and got them back down to about 5 times a month.  Still too frequent but bearable. 

When I submitted my post last night, I went to bed feeling a bit nervous for my big interview in the morning.  I also went to bed with a terrible headache from what I thought was a product of 2 dark beers with friends the evening before.  I woke continuously through the night in excruciating pain in the front and back of my head.  When my alarm went off at 6 am I realized I had just one hour to try to get rid of this thing.  I started my normal “migraine healing routine”.  I walked with a pounding head into the kitchen to take a migraine pill.  I poured myself a big glass of water and started to chug it.  I grabbed a roll from the bread shelf and laid in the dark on the couch for 30 minutes forcing pieces of bread down my throat so that the medicine wouldn’t make me nauseous.  Everything hurt and every time I tried to move I could feel my pulse in my eyes.  I was losing hope for my interview.  My face felt like it was burning so I went upstairs to take my temperature.  Almost 100 degrees-well that was new.  Usually a fever does not accompany my migraines.

 It was now 6:45 I had 15 minutes to get ready for work.  I went back into our bedroom to get my husband’s advice.  “Seth…”, I whispered at him.  No movement.  “Seth…”, I said again in my normal speaking voice.  He stirred and made a noise and rolled away from me.  My head was pounding!  “SETH”, I half shouted and pushed him in the shoulder.  He groggily responds “What?  What’s wrong?”.  “I’m sick.  What should I do?”.  He looks at me and says “Oh just come back to bed”.  “Well what about the interview?”.  “Oh”, he says sleepily, “I don’t know”.  I get it I guess I wouldn’t be helpful either if someone woke me out of a deep sleep at 6:45 in the morning.  I realized then that I needed to cancel.  I can barely walk around my house let alone answer interview questions. 

It was horribly embarrassing to ask to reschedule my interview.  I realize that I’m sure it happens but I am positive it can’t look good to have someone call in sick to an interview.  They luckily did reschedule me for Wednesday.  Here’s to hoping that my ugly migraines don’t make another appearance on that day as well.  In the meantime, I’m hoping I made the right call for today. 

With this horribly crummy day I need to take a moment to reflect on the good things that happened this weekend.  We did get to meet up with some friends this weekend for a baseball game on Friday night and for dinner/drinks on Saturday.  The weekend was full of laughter, too much fun food, and big news shared between friends.  Seth’s friend from high school and his wife announced the birth of their first child.  It’s such an exciting time in our life, and I’m glad to have great friends to share it with.  It makes bad days like today a little more bearable when you have good friends to get you through. 

I’m Over-Thinking My Life Plan Again…

My original goal when I started this blog was to write every day for 100 days.  I have realized in the past week that life is hectic and my goal may have been a far reaching one.  I have started this sentence for this post at least 2 times prior now.  But every time I try to write a little furry face appears before me with an item that he cannot have-leading to a 10 minute struggle.  Even this morning as I sat down at my desktop in our office to have a moment of peace I heard him scratching at the door to be let out; my husband continued to snore away.  BUT I am still writing or at least thinking about writing so that is a small victory in itself.  I still feel like I’m accomplishing something and that was part of my original goal.  As with many times in life I start out with a Plan A and have to move to a Plan B (or let’s be honest a Plan X).  

 

This idea of planning my life actually came up in a conversation this week with my husband and sister.  I am a planner, I like lists.  I’m a severely anxious and forgetful person and I came to realize in college that lists and schedules help with both of those issues.  I am also the type of person who likes to know as much information as possible before making a big life decision.  I like to think and plan and make sure that I am making the most informed decision as possible.  I realize that this can be an annoying trait.  Especially because I am a spazz and will worry myself sick over if I am making the right decision.  For instance, when we put on offer on our house I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.  It was a huge decision and one that I wanted so desperately but could not decide if it was the best decision for us at the moment.  It was a lot more money a month than we originally had discussed.  The decision has turned out ok but the adjustment in income has hit us.  We are getting by but we are having a hard time letting go of the things we were able to do pre-house.  

 

This week another big life decision has come to my attention in the form of an interview.  In the last post, I had a mild freak out about not getting a job with the government office in which employs our contract company.  As it turns out, I did get that interview which is scheduled for the upcoming Monday.  On the phone call with the HR lady, I learned of a few interesting factors.  1. I would be taking a $1000 a year pay cut and they would not go any higher; 2. I needed to inform my boss of the interview because of how the contract with our company is written; and 3. in addition to the interview for the department I applied there was an additional job available in the department that we work closest with that I am now interviewing for on Monday.  All of these factors were a tad problematic in different ways.  

 

Let’s start with the last one.  I know this comes off as sounding picky; especially because my whole goal was to find another job.  The job that I have a surprise interview for is in the data entry division; this is the office that my contract company works directly with.  I’ve known all the ladies in the office there for 5 years.  They’re nice enough; but I would have less responsibility than I do at the moment.  I would say out of a 40 hour work week they probably work about 10.  Maybe a little more if it’s an there’s a deadline for something.  I just don’t know if I would be happier there.  The planner in me is jumping ahead of myself though.  Nothing has been offered to me so there  really is no reason to worry about it until then.  The same could be said for the salary cut.  Part of my quest for being a more positive person is also to let go of things until they are concrete instead of worrying myself sick over “what ifs”. 

 

The second problem though was a real concrete problem however.  Back in 2013 I had another interview for the county with a job I really wanted.  When they called to tell me about the interview they informed me I had to tell my boss about it since they had that clause in the contract about not poaching his employees.  The 2013 discussion about the interview did not go well.  My boss was offended and obviously off-put that I was considering leaving.  It was a big deal for a job that did not even pan out.  And it made things awkward for awhile.  So when the county called  last week about the interview they once again told me that I would need to tell my boss about it so there would be issues with the contract. 

 

I decided to first tell my supervisor this time to try to feel her out of how he would react to the news.  She took the  news well and even told me that my boss had stopped into her office the week before telling her he had heard I was interviewing down there.  That shocked me since I had just heard from the county office that same day.  The office rumor mill strikes again and I gave myself a silent reminder to be careful who I tell things to.  My supervisor assured me that my boss was expecting the news and would definitely not fire me.  She must have seen the terrified look on my face when she told me she still thought it was a good idea that I had a conversation with him.

 

I stopped into his office bright and early the next day.  I like to get bad news or conflict over with ASAP. I paced outside of his office for a good 10 minutes before I had made up my mind to go in.  I marched straight into his office and broke the news of the interview to him.  The reaction was much better this time.  He once again, as in back in 2013, tried to talk me out of it.  And I again told him that “there was nothing wrong with having a conversation and hearing them out”.  To which amazingly, he agreed.  He worried that I wasn’t happy with the company (I’m not entirely); but I replied that it was a job stability issue that was the risk of working for a contract company.  He tried to convince me then that I would have a job until 2018.  “I will?”, I replied skeptically.  “Well yes…as long as we get the next contract”, he replied.  No-that wasn’t promising enough.  But I left the dreaded conversation feeling better and more confused than ever.  I suddenly was filled with hesitation and with the feeling of maybe I wasn’t doing the right thing.  Maybe this job was not right for me.  The over-thinker in me was winning an inward struggle.   

 

I hope that when the time comes I can make the best decision for myself and my husband.  In the meantime, I am going to try to remain positive and calm.  I am terrible with first impressions which means I am also terrible with interviews.  But after an hour of prep tonight I hope that tomorrow I can at least give it my best.