Dog Days of Summer

These last two days have been quite an adjustment from  my week long stay-cation.  It’s always hard to go back to work after some time off and it has not been too enjoyable to be back.  I went to the office on  Monday with a positive attitude but it fell flat as soon as I walked in the door.  For starters, a few weeks ago when my company had to lay off a few of the clerical staff, my work “bff” was one of them.  A 60 year old lady who has a heart of gold but sometimes a bit of a temper.  This lay off was meant to be a temporary one: about 3-4 weeks.  It’s still not enjoyable for anyone who has to pay their bills.  I was spared but the work bff was not.  I’ve worked with and been friends with this person for almost 5 years now.  When she got laid off she left in quite a huff and was rumored to have quit.  I have no idea where I was when this all went down (I think working and watching Netflix on my phone in the other row of cubicles) but she left without even a goodbye; even to people she has worked with for a decade.

When I got to the office on Monday my supervisor informed me that the “bff” would not return when the others came back from the lay-off.  She had been so angry that she had decided she would take an early retirement.  She did come back into the office later that day and gave me a short, very awkward and strange goodbye.  Kind of like “hey I’m not coming back.  Have a nice life”.  It was longer than that but you get the drift.  Not exactly the goodbye you would expect to have with the woman who came to your bridal shower, who you went gambling and shopping with occasionally, who knows you like whole grain bagels from Panera on your birthday, and has been there for you even when you ugly cry.  I felt a little hurt and definitely slighted.  It kicked my Monday into a bad start; I really hate to lose friends.

I also found out that I did not get hired or even get the interview round at a job that I really thought I had a chance of getting.  I applied to the government office, that I work for mind you.  Not even the office that I have worked for 5 years wants to hire me.  That’s bruises one’s ego.  I found myself going to the place of rejection and self-loathing again.  And yes I turned to stuffing my face with sad potato chips when I got home.  I definitely had a set-back these last few days with my quest for a more positive life.  I felt like the progress and momentum that I had gained last week deflated like an old balloon this week.

Another family member that has not adjusted well to me going back to work this week is our 8 month old puppy Alvin.  We adopted Alvin in February at a local shelter when he was 3 months old.  The shelter told us that Alvin and his 3 brothers were found on a farm in Athens County and did not have a lot of socialization with humans.  When we brought Alvin home, he was so shy and timid of everything.  He would shake if we left a room without him.  That version of Alvin did not last long.  Soon he was a puppy with boundless energy and with a large personality.  He loves every dog and human he comes across (thankfully).

Alvin loved having me home last week.  It was almost like having a completely different dog.  I was used to a crazy, never stops puppy who runs laps around our dining room table.  Last week, he cuddled, napped, and played quietly with his toys.  Needless to say, the stress of going back to work was only made worse by an angry dog  who had to go back to being confined during the day.  Last night he destroyed things at my house and my parent’s house.  His sleeping schedule is off so he thought playtime was at 12:30 am.  Today on our walk he decided he wanted to walk me by playing tug of war with his leash.  When I would get it back from him he would lay down in the road.  I’m sure I looked abusive/nuts pulling my dog on the gravel road because he refused to move.   People in cars were staring as I pulled him to his feet.  I find myself wishing him to be old and lazy on days like these past two.

It’s easy to let the stress of life make you forget to appreciate and be present in the moment.  Alvin has been a great addition to our little family.  Sometimes he’s exhausting and frustrating because he is literally the most stubborn dog I have met.  But he is also so loving to every stranger, dog, and child we come across.  Before we got the dog, I was lonely when my husband would work nights.  Having Alvin around has made less fearful of the house and he makes for a great companion.  He also lets me hug him and smell his ears after a long day.  Something about burying my face into a dog’s ears is the most comforting thing in the world to me (I have no shame on what I publically admit on the internet).  Plus who can stay mad at this face??

Tomorrow will be a new day.  Here’s to hoping I don’t end it with stress eating.

It’s Not Easy Being Green

Today is Sunday. A time for rest and relaxation. A time to prepare for the beginning of another work week. Or in my case, the last day of the infamous mandatory stay-cation. Sunday is also a day of dread, because who really likes preparing for the work week? Menu’s need to be planned, grocery lists are written, laundry is thrown into washer’s, and dog toy remains are extracted and laid to rest in a bin. At least that’s the prep in my house. Today however my dog gave me Sunday surprise hefty pile of dog throw up to clean. Crap.

Poor sick Alvin on a healthier day.

Let’s take a break from this story and rewind to move-in day with my now husband 5 years prior. When I moved into Seth’s apartment with him I knew there would be an adjustment period. Finding out his weird quirks and strange ways would be a trying time in our relationship. I figured one quirk or hot button within the first few hours of co-habitation. That day I brought with me some cleaning supplies (I was moving in with a boy-Seth is neat but not the epitome of clean). I brought the basics: Swiffers of various sizes, bleach products, wipes, the ever amazing Magic Clean Erasers, and of course paper towels. I knew Seth was very environmentally friendly when I met him. I just thought that his lack of paper products was due to the fact that he was a 23 year-old male in a bachelor pad. Not that he had major opposition to owning and consuming paper products.

A heated conversation ensued once he discovered my paper products inside his home. As a compromise I agreed to give his “no paper products” rule a whirl, excluding Kleenex and toilet paper-those would have to stick around. To be honest it was easier than I thought to give it up. I use old rags for cleaning and big messes, cloth napkins for meals, and absolutely no paper plate or cups. It has only led to a fight a few times-throw up accidents are one of them. Which is why my first thought really was “CRAP” when the dog threw up this morning.

Cleaning throw up without a paper towel or napkin is not a fun thing to do. I stood over his mess for a second wondering the best plan of attack. I had seen a few hidden paper towels in the bathroom closet-I had insisted on paper towels when we first got the dog because house breaking a dog without paper towels is also no fun. I had to climb up on the radiator and reach them to only discover that there were about 2 paper towels left on the roll; not enough for this giant mess. But with 2 paper towels, 2 plastic Kroger bags, and the use of the actual paper towel roll I was able to effectively clean up our poor sick Alvin’s mess. When Seth came up to help I asked him to get me some toilet paper to finish wiping up; he handed me a rag. I love that hippie man.

This whole story caused me to reflect on how grateful I am for my little family. My husband and dog can always be counted on to make an annoying or unpleasant situation into a comedic one; even if I can’t see the humor in it at the time I can always look back on these situations and laugh. I feel blessed that these two are in my life and I will continue to try not to take it for granted.

So far this whole experience is lighting a fire under my butt to apply to more jobs, which happens to be the most tedious task. You may spend over an hour on one job application. I like jobs where I can make a profile for the company and not have to spend too much time retyping the same information over and over again. I decided today to apply to 2 jobs; one for a local university in the area and the second at Nationwide Children’s Hospital as a Quality Data Analyst. I had already spent about 45 on the university job which did not require a profile. The second job though required that I fill out a ton of information but it would save it for additional applications, or at least I thought it would. I filled out my work experience, gave my reference information, education information, uploaded a current resume, and worked on a new cover letter to provide. All and all it took about 80 minutes to create this online profile. Once I hit reply, I went to apply for different job within the hospital. I discovered to my horror and frustration that it had erased all my information. *Slaps palm to forehead* That’s enough motivation for me today time to go back to the HBO GO app. It’s Sunday Funday and the frustration is ruining the funday part.

A Road Paved With Good Intentions

I woke up today determined. I was ready to take on the challenge that I set out for myself yesterday. No more pity parties it is time to take action. Ok it was a time to sit and watch Veep on my HBOGO app. Obviously I have my priorities straight…

This is the last day of my little mandatory stay-cation; and I wanted to jump head first into my challenge. My first thought was that I had seen a sign for a blood drive at a local rec center the night before. “GREAT IDEA” I thought to myself. Let’s start with a good deed. I reflected for a moment on the last time I gave blood for a brief second. It hadn’t gone well. It was back in 2006, I was a sophomore in college. The Red Cross nurse stuck me with a needle 3 times to attempt to find my vein. It took over 40 minutes to fill the bag (I’m a slow bleeder I’ve been told). And the same nurse said that “my veins were crunchy”. Appetizing. By the end of that ordeal I ended up hyperventilating into a bag. But whatever, “that was then this is now” said the delusional girl. I had a pep in my step and I was out for my first deed on the road to my personal self-actualization journey.

There I sat on a plastic chair waiting for the nice red cross nurse lady to call my name. I must have seemed nervous because about 4 different people asked if I was alright. I really didn’t feel panicked, I was excited. I was not only doing something good for someone else, I was also taking a risk. Because as you may have noticed my little “episode” of 2006 had scared me away from blood drives for quite some years. I was saying yes to something that was a bit out of my comfort zone.

The lady finally called my name. We went through the finger prick and the arm check (could I possibly look like a junky? I guess you can never be too sure). She also asked if I was a woman (once again I guess you just don’t want to assume these things). Finally it was time to get the blood party started. And again with the “are you alright” questions at least once every 5 minutes. It was going fine-it even only took my nurse one try to find my crunchy vein. SUCCESS!

Ten minutes in a different nurse comes over with a concerned look on her face. She adjusts my arm and plays with the tube and bag-then leaves. She comes back and repeats the process. “Everything ok” I ask already knowing the answer. “Yeah, you’re just bleeding very slowly just trying to get it to move a little faster”. I look concerned too-I get asked again if I’m alright. A third nurse comes over. She suggests that I move my fingers constantly for better blood flow. She also asks if I’m alright (don’t worry the irony is coming). I really did feel fine-but my arm was getting a little tired. Finally after 30 minutes of giving blood I have filled the bag.

The nurse came over to start filling up the little test tubes for…well whatever they’re for. We joke about how long it took. I was fine. She pulled the needle from my arm out-and it felt like my body temperature dropped. She puts rubbing alcohol and I band-aid on-the music in the background starts to fade. She tells me to hold my arm up-my mouth fills up with saliva. I couldn’t even get words out. ASK ME IF I’M ALRIGHT NOW! Finally she comes back over and tells me I can put my arm down and I somehow manage to gurgle out that I don’t feel well. She immediately drops my chair into a laying position. I hear her whispering with the other nurses about cold compresses but no one brings me one. Finally she sits me up and I apologize. I think that the worst is over.

She tells me to sit tight for another minute and walks away. As soon as she left it started all over again. My ears start ringing and my vision starts to get dark. I stare straight ahead at a plant on the wall. “Don’t you do it. You will not pass out” I inwardly instructed myself. I must have looked like shit because the nurse helping another donor dropped what she was doing and immediately laid me down again. “You look a little green honey. Just lay here for awhile”. Another nurse ran to get me a water and candy bar. I felt like a moron. I mean I know this happens a lot giving blood but it all felt very dramatic.   I apologized profusely again. And thought to myself that I might stay away for another 8 years again.

Even though I was out of commission for most of the day, it still felt wonderful to give something back.  And of course, another great part about the experience was that it led to this conversation with my 2 year-old niece.  “Is that a booboo on your arm?” She said to me at dinner.  “Yeah”, I replied “Aunt Nancy has a booboo today it was ouchie but I’m ok now”.  She gives me a strange look and says “Can you walk?”  I had to hide my smile because she was very serious when she asked me this.  I said “of course I can walk”.  She suddenly cheers up and shouts “OK I’LL HELP YOU WALK!  LET’S GO!  WALK NANCY WALK!”  Oh much much joy a 2 year-old’s innocence can bring.

Times They Are A’Changing

Life. You can make big plans and have high expectations for it but at some time it is bound to disappoint. I have every reason to be happy with my life. I’m 27, married to a wonderful man of almost 2 years, a home-owner, I have a loving family and friends, and we just adopted a rambunctious puppy named Alvin in February. I’m living the god damn American dream! With a Master’s degree and $45,000 in student debt to my name. THE AMERICAN DREAM!

Do you see what I did there? Did you notice I forgot the one important thing that everyone asks about? The one thing that people define you for? That burning question…what do you do? I hate it, I dread the words. And then the next question “do you like it?” I learned to shrug in reply to this question and bleakly say “meh”. Hoping they will leave it there. They never do. “So are you applying”, “Just get another job”, “How many jobs have you applied for?” “What would you rather be doing?”. I get it. My friends and family are just being polite and genuinely trying to be helpful. It’s not.

First let’s start with the idea that I can just go get another job. ESPECIALLY with the older generation. Things are not like they used to be. It’s hard to stand out in a large candidate pool. No one wants you to come in to talk to them they all want online applications. I would LOVE to just get another job. I’m trying to get another job. If I could snap my fingers and it just happened I would do that. But it doesn’t work like that. I’ve been with my company 5 years and have sent out at least 300 applications. Out of those applications I’ve been on 3 interviews…in 5 years.

Second, I don’t know what I would rather be doing. One person actually said to me “how can you not know what you want to do”. Easy, work is important to me but I’m more concerned with the work environment. Will I thrive here? Can I move up? Is it stable? Am I going to want to blow my brains out every day? These are the burning questions that I have. Environment is more important to me than what I am doing. I know that’s weird.

Do I sound bitter enough to you yet? I don’t hate my job. However, with a contract company the bad part is your contract ends and you face termination; it’s unstable. I also cannot move up-there are 2 positions at my company clerk and appraiser. I am also bored out of my mind and my co-workers treat me like I started the job last week (once again I started 5 years ago). Some of my co-workers still think my last name is Fisher; I got married 2 years ago. Some of them still don’t even know where my desk is located-there are only approximately 30 employees in our office (whom I interact with everyday).

I know what you’re thinking now…who cares? Listen to this girl complain about how her great life isn’t perfect enough. And you’re absolutely right. I had my aha moment today. I’m currently on a mandatory week of vacation to avoid yet another lay-off; and I got yet another “so close yet not quite” email from a job that I really wanted. The whole situation depressed me. And as I stuffed Doritos into my mouth I thought how much of a disappointment I was that I could not even land one interview in the past year. Then it hit me…why am I putting so much pressure on myself on this one aspect of my life. I have a good life, that first paragraph of things I wrote about that is not a disappointment-it’s a pretty great life.

I needed to snap out of this. So I stepped away from my Doritos depression and thought about what I could do to prove to myself that my life is really nothing to pout about. I thought about the #100happydays challenge that is the latest trend on Facebook/Instagram/insert your preferred social media here. But I didn’t want to point out on a public platform about what I’m grateful for today. No-it’s deeper than that I need an attitude adjustment. I already live in the moment and I’m already grateful for the people I have. I just need to remind myself that it certainly is what you do in life that defines you but it’s really how you act, how you treat people, what you do when people are not looking.

So I decided to start a blog. It will be a time of reflection, to show gratitude to the people and things in my life. To take risks, since somehow as I’ve aged I always play it safe. It will be about what I can do for other people. This is a quest to become a person I can be proud of. This is my own version of 100 Days to Happiness.